Kenapa wanita hamil

Di Klas II A1 (Jurusan Ilmu Pasti dan Pengetahuan Alam, ini pembagian di zaman SMA tahun 1990-an) SMA Puncak Sekuning Palembang. Sesuai jadwal pelajaran, masing guru masuk ke klas tsb. Jam pertama, Pelajaran Ilmu Bumi Alam Falak, Pak Leo sedang menerangkan keadaan cuaca, setelah itu dia bertanya kepada murid² di klas. Guru: "Kenapa jemuran kering bisa basah???" Ali: "Kena hujan." Guru: "Salah" Bedoel: "Terlambat mengangkat." Guru: "Betoel... seratus!" Jam pelajaran kedua, Guru Fisika masuk, Pak Ucok, dia menerangkan tentang proses pembakaran sehingga terjadi carbon mono-oxide dan di-oxide, setelah pelajaran selesai dia bertanya: Guru: "Kenapa roti di oven bisa hangus?" Ali: "Adanya peristiwa pemanasan tinggi, sehingga O2 di dalam oven memuai akibatnya particles O2 yang panas pada menabrak roti sehingga rotinya mengalami trauma tumpul akibatnya rotinya memar kehitaman...!" Guru: "Salaaaahhhhhh!" Bedoel: "Terlambat mengangkat!" Guru: "Betul... betul ! Jam pelajaran ketiga, Guru Biologi yang masuk, Pak Aman, menerangkan ttg proses pembuahan. Setelah selesai beliau bertanya kpd muridnya: Guru: "Kenapa wanita hamil???" Ali: "Krn terjadi zygote, yaitu pertemuan antara sperma dgn sel telur!" Guru: "Salaaahhhhh!" Bedoel: "Terlambat mengangkatnya!"

Perahu dayung Tono dan istri si Tino

Ada dua anak kembar namanya Tono dan Tino. Tono mempunyai sebuah perahu dayung yang sudah sangat tua. Kok kebetulan suatu hari istrinya si Tino itu meninggal bersamaan dengan hari tenggelamnya perahu dayung si Tono itu. Beberapa hari kemudian seorang wanita tua melihat Tono, dan secara tidak sengaja salah mengenalinya sebagai Tino yang kehilangan istrinya itu. Kata wanita itu kepada Tono,
“Saya turut sedih atas kehilangan anda. Anda pasti merasa sedih.”
Nah si Tono mengira bahwa wanita itu berbicara tentang perahu dayungnya itu, menjawab “Sebenarnya sih saya bisa dibilang malah senang karena bisa menyingkirkannya. Dia sudah amat tua sekali bahkan sudah jelek dari pertama kalinya. Bagian bawahnya sudah lapuk dan berbau amis sekali. Bagian punggungnyapun sudah sangat jelek dan lubang di bagian depannya sudah sangat lebar. Setiap kali aku menggunakannya, lubangnya bertambah besar dan dia bocor tidak karuan. Saya kira yang mengakhirinya adalah ketika saya menyewakan dia kepada 4 orang pemuda yang sedang bersenang-senang tempo hari. Saya sudah memperingatkan mereka bahwa dia sudah tidak begitu enak dipakai tapi mereka masih juga mau menggunakannya. Mereka berempat mencoba masuk ke dalam bersamaan dan akhirnya dia terbelah persis di tengah- tengah.”
Wanita tua itupun pingsan…

Terakhir kali melakukan hubungan

Dalam rangka penelitian perilaku seks, seorang peneliti mewawancarai seorang pilot. "Dapatkah anda ceritakan kapan terakhir kali anda melakukan hubungan?" tanya Peneliti.
"Sembilan belas lima puluh sembilan," jawab Pilot.
Dengan reputasi pilot yang sering terdengar memiliki banyak pasangan, Peneliti kaget dengan jawaban seperti itu.
"Waktu yang lama sekali!" hardik Peneliti.
"Ya mungkin juga, ..." jawab Pilot sambil melihat jamnya "Tapi sekarang baru duapuluh satu lima belas."

hadiah Wardoyo untuk Warni

Pengalaman Wardoyo sewaktu SMP. Pada waktu itu, seorang pelajar SMP bernama Wardoyo sedang jatuh cinta kepada temannya yang bernama Warni. Karena Wardoyo ini orangnya penakut dan kurang PD, jadi dia nggak berani menyatakan cintanya ke Warni. Setelah selama sebulan berpikir gimana caranya dapetin Warni akhirnya Wardoyo memutuskan untuk memberikan sebuah hadiah kepada Warni. Setelah berpikir panjang, Wardoyo memutuskan untuk memberikan hadiah topi kepada Warni. Untuk menjalankan niatnya, Wardoyo pergi ke Ramayana dept. store. Setelah mendapatkan topi pilihannya, Wardoyo bergegas untuk membayar ke kasir. Karena suasana di Ramayana dept. store waktu itu lagi ramai (pas lagi ada discount) jadi kasir yg biasa membungkus barang-barang agak sedikit kerepotan, akibatnya bungkusan topi yang dibeli Wardoyo itu tertukar dengan bungkusan yang dibeli wanita disamping Wardoyo. Ternyata wanita disampingnya Wardoyo itu membeli celana dalam. Karena udah nggak sabar untuk memberikan hadiah ke Warni, tanpa memeriksa isi bungkusan itu lagi Wardoyo langsung memberi pesan di bungkusannya yang berbunyi :
Warni, saya sengaja memberikan hadiah ini ke kamu karena saya tahu kalau kamu jarang memakai ini sewaktu bepergian. Saya sengaja pilih yang warna merah karena saya pernah melihat kamu pakai yang warna biru. Saya yakin sekali ukurannya pas untuk kamu, karena sebelum membeli saya sudah mencobanya dan ukuran kita kan sama. Rasanya saya ingin sekali memakaikan ini ke kamu untuk yang pertama kalinya. Warni, kalau kamu senang dengan hadiah ini, saya berharap kamu memakainya pada hari Jumat besok.

Temanmu,
Wardoyo.

NB:
Oya, model terakhir yang sering saya lihat di film dan majalah, memakainya agak sedikit diturunkan kebawah dengan sedikit rambut terlihat

Kolam Suci

Di sebuah gunung yang terpencil, terdapatlah sebuah pertapaan. Di pertapaan ini pertapa dan pertapawati sudah diikat sumpah untuk tidak akan menikah seumur hidup, oleh karena itu tempat tinggal mereka dibuat terpisah. Rumah utara adalah tempat tinggal para pertapa (pria) dan rumah sebelah selatan adalah tempat pertapawati (cewek).
Di tengah-tengah kedua bangunan itu terdapat sebuah kolam suci. Pada suatu hari seorang pertapawati sedang khusuk membasuh tangannya di kolam suci. Melihat itu seorang pertapawati lain yang baru 2 hari tinggal di situ heran lalu bertanya :
Pertapawati 1 : “hei kenapa kamu membasuh tanganmu di kolam ini dengan khusuk..?”
Pertapawati 2 : “Lho emangnya kamu tidak tahu yaa. Ini khan kolam suci”
Pertapawati 1 : “O gitu.. trus apa khasiatnya.?”
Pertapawati 2 : “Khasiatnya adalah kalau secara sengaja ataun tidak bagian tubuh kita menyentuh “alat kelamin” atau bagian terlarang lainnya dari lawan jenis, maka bagian tubuh itu harus dicuci di kolam ini sebanyak 5 kali supaya dosanya terhapus.”
Pertapawati 1 : “Lho emangnya kamu habis berbuat apa sehingga harus mencuci tanganmu di kolam ini .?
Pertapawati 2 : “SStttt jangan keras-keras.. Tadi waktu makan siang bersama para pertapa, secara tidak sengaja tangan kananku menyentuh
“burungnya” pertapa.. sehingga aku harus mencuci tanganku..gitu..
Pertapawati 1 : “Waduh gawat juga yaa.. Kalo gitu aku juga harus berkumur
5 kali dong supaya dosaku terhapus…”

Kasihan Amat Ente

Seorang pemuda Ambon mempunyai suatu kelebihan yang sangat membanggakan dirinya, yaitu ia punya ‘biji’ jumlahnya ada 3. Ia selalu
ingin membanggakannya pada setiap orang. Maka ketika ia ketemu seorang pemuda Jawa ia berkata : ” Mas . . . Mas . . , kalau beta jalan bareng
ama Mas begini, kalau biji kita di jumlah, semua ada 5 Mas . . . ! ”
Si Jawa menjawab kaget : ” Eedaan tenan . . , berarti punya sampeyan ada 3 to . . . ? Luar biasa . . . ! ” Kala lain si Ambon jalan-jalan lagi ama pemuda
Sunda : ” Kang.. Kang, kalau biji kita berdua di jumlah, jumlahnya 5 lho ”
Si Sunda terperanjat : ” Edun euyy . . . , berarti biji akang ada 3 ya . . . . ? Hebat euuyy . . ! ”
Suatu hari ia ketemu pemuda Arab dan seperti biasanya ia mulai membanggakan jumlah bijinya : ” Wan . . . , kalau biji kita berdua di jumlah . . . , jumlahnya ada 5 wan . . . ! ”
Tak kalah kagetnya si Wan Abud terhenyak : ” Astaghfirullah . . . . , kasihan amat ente, berarti bizi ente cuman satu ya ! ! ! “

Cuma Bawa Cemban

Tersebutlah seorang PSK tua yang laku keras pada jamannya. karena uda makin tuwir dia kalah pamor, jadinya dia pindah lokasi deh.

Ceritanya dia pindah ke 1 kampung, nah disitu gak ada PSK, cuman dia satu-satunya. makanya dia langsung pasang tariff gila-gilaaan.

Sekali masuk 10rb, keluar 10 rb

walopun begitu, antrian panjaaanggg sekali (secara d one n only PSK disono)

Beuuhhhhhh' biar panjang, ngantrinya lumayan cepet. Paling lama 2-3 menitan soalnya mahal. namanya dikampung, penghasilan kan gak gede-gede banget.

Biar mahal, dari pejabat kampung ampe petani yang keluar kamar, mukanya sumringah semua.

Pas ada 1 pejabat kampung mo masuk, ada 1 petani yang dari tadi mukanya mupeng bener, akhirnya dia kasian ngasih si petani masuk duluan. Dalem hati : "Palingan bawa duit gak nyampe 30 rb, ntaran lagi juga giliran gue"

Setelah ditunggu 1 menit g keluar, 3 menit, 5 menit, 30 mnt........ beuhhhh ternyata tajir bener nih si petani. rusuh dah antrian! akhirnya si pejabat tadi nekat masuk kamar.

Dilihatnya si petani lagi posisi 'ngefreeze' gitu, ditanyain deh "ngapain lo diem begitu, uda dari tadi nih gw nunggu!!!! cepet gantian!!!!!"

Petani: "Maap bang, saya bawanya cuma ceban (10.000)...."

Biasanya Pakai Sendok

Suatu hari, Budi seorang mahasiswa ekonomi sedang melakukan riset untuk skripsinya, maka ia pergi ke sebuah restoran terkemuka di jakarta.

Di restoran itu ia melihat setiap pelayan mengantongi sendok di sakunya, lalu ia bertanya

Budi : "Mas, kalo boleh tau kenapa ya anda harus mengantongi sendok di saku anda ?"
Pelayan : "Oh, kalo ini karena menurut riset bos kami, di setiap 5 menit ada satu sendok yang jatuh dan untuk mengambilnya kami butuh waktu 2 menit, jadi kami harus menghemat waktu demi kenyamanan pelanggan dan efisiensi"
Budi : "wah, terima kasih. kalo gitu saya pesan nasi liwet"
Pelayan : "Ok, ditunggu ya"

Lalu saat menikmati makanannya, ternyata sendok budi jatuh. dan dengan cepat sang pelayan memberikan yang baru, akan tetapi budi memperhatikan sesuatu yang aneh pada pelayan itu

Budi : "wah terima kasih, emang bener ni berguna juga mengantongi sendok. tapi saya boleh tanya yang lain tidak ?"
Pelayan : "Apa tu mas ?"
Budi : "Itu kenapa resleting anda diikatkan ke benang ?"
Pelayan : "Oh, kata bos saya ini untuk menghemat waktu"
Budi : (sambil makan) "waktu apa ya ?"
Pelayan : "Iya, jadi setelah saya kencing, kalau pake benang saya tidak usah cuci tangan lagi, kan hemat waktu"
Budi : "Apa tidak susah tu nutupnya ?"
Pelayan : "Susah si, biasanya sih SAYA PAKE SENDOK..."
Budi : (speechless)

Minta naik gaji

Nama Karyawan: Pen**.
Perihal: Minta naik gaji.
Bersama dengan ini, saya "Pen**" ingin meminta kenaikan gaji dikarenakan alasan² berikut:
- saya melakukan pekerjaan yang berhubungan dengan fisik.
- saya bekerja di suatu kedalaman tertentu.
- saya bekerja dengan menggunakan kepala terlebih dahulu.
- saya bekerja ditempat yang lembab.
- saya bekerja lembur dengan tanpa biaya tambahan.
- saya bekerja di ruang yg gelap yg tdk mempunyai aliran udara segar.
- saya bekerja di temperatur yang tinggi.
- pekerjaan saya beresiko tertular oleh penyakit.

Tanggapan dari HRD:
Setelah mempertimbangkan permintaan dan argumen yang diberikan, kami menolaknya dengan alasan² berikut:
- anda tidak bekerja 8 jam penuh.
- anda tertidur setelah melakukan tugas yang waktunya sebentar.
- anda tidak selalu menurut perintah dari manajemen.
- anda tidak selalu berada di posisi yang telah ditentukan, bahkan sering pergi ketempat lain.
- anda terlalu banyak mengambil istirahat yang tidak resmi.
- anda tidak mempunyai inisiatif, selalu harus ditekan dan dirangsang untuk dapat memulai bekerja.
- anda meninggalkan tempat kerja anda dengan berantakan terkadang anda mengabaikan peringatan kesehatan dengan tidak menggunakan pakaian pelindung yang semestinya.
- anda tidak pernah menunggu usia pensiun sebelum berhenti bekerja.
- anda tidak suka bekerja dalam dua shift.
- anda kadang meninggalkan tempat kerja anda sblm kerjaan selesai.
- dan yang terpenting adalah anda selalu memasuki dan meninggalkan tempat kerja dengan membawa dua buah bungkusan yang bentuknya mencurigakan.

Rolex Ku

seorang yang kikir mengemudikan BMW besarnya di jalan raya, dia teriak-reiak dengan sombong," saya suka BMW, saya cinta BMW ....", karena kelakuannya dia tidak fokus pada kendaraan sehingga akhirnya mengalami musibah dengan menabrak pembatas jalan.

Ajaib dia selamat walaupun mobilnya hancur total, dalam keadaan luka parah dia teriak
"Mobil ku, oh BMW ku ..."
orang-orang berusaha menolong dan menenangkan,
"tuan tenang... , tuan banyak mengeluarkan darah karena lengan anda lepas"
Lalu orang tersebut teriak semakin kencang
"tidaaakkk .... Rolex ku ...rolex ku .... manaa ..."

Otong di kamar cewek

Pada suatu hari Si Otong datang ke rumah seorang cewek cantik, lalu terjadilah percakapan dibawah ini:

Si Otong: Alo sayank... gue boleh masuk kan?
Ceweq(ce): Boleh boleh aja
Si Otong: sayank, kita ke kamar yuk!
ce:(berpikir)ehm... yuk

setelah di kamar...

Si Otong: boleh kunci pintu kan?
ce: bolehhhhh
Si Otong: kalo tutup jendela juga boleh kan?
ce: boleh
Si Otong: kita naik ke tempat tidur yuk
ce: (berpikir) yuk
Si Otong: tutup selimutnya ya
ce: (berpikir: akhirnya dia mau melakukannya juga) tutup saja katanya sambil senyum senyum
Si Otong: eh liat dech JAM GUE BISA NYALA!!!

Kejutan di hari ulang tahunku

Dua minggu yang lalu merupakan ulang tahunku yang ke-35 dan moodku tidak terlalu baik pada pagi itu. Aku turun untuk sarapan dengan harapan istriku akan mengucapkan dengan penuh sukacita "Selamat ulang tahun suamiku tersayang" dan mungkin saja dengan sebuah kado ulang tahun untukku. Waktu berlalu dan bahkan dia tidak mengucapkan selamat pagi. Aku berpikir, ya... itulah istri, tapi mungkin anak-anakku akan mengingat kalau hari ini aku berulang tahun. Anak-anak datang ke meja makan untuk sarapan namun mereka juga tidak mengatakan satu patah katapun. Akhirnya aku berangkat ke kantor dengan perasaan penuh kecewa dan sedih.
Ketika aku masuk ke ruangan, sekretarisku Janet menyapaku "Selamat pagi Boss, selamat ulang tahun". Dan akhirnya aku merasa sedikit terobati mengetahui ada seseorang yang mengingat hari ulang tahunku. Aku bekerja sampai tengah hari dan kemudian Janet mengetuk pintu ruanganku dan berkata "Apakah Anda tidak menyadari bahwa hari ini begitu cerah di luar dan hari ini adalah hari ulang tahun Anda, mari kita pergi makan siang, hanya kita berdua". Aku berkata "Wow, itu adalah perkataan yang luar biasa yang saya dengar hari ini, mari kita pergi".
Kami berdua pergi makan siang. Kami tidak pergi ke tempat dimana kami biasanya makan siang, tetapi kami pergi ke tempat yang sepi. Kami memesan 2 botol martini dan sangat menikmati makan siang kami. Dalam perjalanan pulang ke kantor, dia berkata "Anda tahu ini adalah hari yang begitu indah, Kita tidak perlu kembali ke kantor kan ?". Tidak perlu, saya pikir tidak perlu, jawabku. Lalu dia mengajak saya untuk mampir ke apartemennya.
Setelah tiba di apartemennya, dia berkata "Boss, jika Anda tidak keberatan, saya akan pergi ke ruang tidur dan melepaskan sesuatu agar lebih nyaman". Tentu saja sahutku dengan gembira. Dia pergi kekamar tidur dan kira-kira enam menit kemudian dia keluar membawa kue ulang tahun yang besar diiringi oleh istri, anak-anakku dan sejumlah rekan kerja kami sambil menyanyikan lagu Selamat Ulang Tahun.
Aku hanya duduk terpaku disana. Di sebuah sofa panjang....... telanjang tanpa sehelai benang.
ngakak.org

How to Get out of Jury Duty

The mailman delivers good news and bad news. Topping the “bad news” list for many people who live in Los Angeles is a jury summons. This document tells you that you must respond by mail or phone for possible service on a jury. Many people feel that jury duty is a boring chore and would prefer not doing it.

In fact, court clerks say that the most common question they hear is: Why do I have to serve? The official response is: Jury duty is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.

If you are a citizen, if you can read and understand English, if you’re over 18 years old, and if you’re not a felon, you are eligible for jury duty. If you ignore the summons, you might be fined up to $1,500.

A jury trial might last one day or one month. If you work for the government, this is no problem, because the government will pay you your regular salary while you are on jury duty. However, if you are self-employed, you lose your regular income for that time period. Instead of your regular income, you get $15 a DAY for sitting on a jury. This is another reason people try to avoid jury duty.

Jack got the bad news yesterday. Even though he was retired and sat around all day watching reruns of old movies, he told his wife Polly he wasn’t going to be a juror. He hated jury duty and he was not going to let the courts interfere with his retirement.

“So how do you think you are going to get out of it?” Polly asked, both amused and irritated. “Are you going to claim that you’re dead? Or are you going to tell them you’ve moved out of the country?”

“No, both of those involve too much paperwork. I’ve got a better idea. It’s a medical excuse. It says here that if you have a physical disability, you can be dismissed.”

“What’s your disability? Your “bad back” doesn't allow you to sit in a chair watching reruns all day?”

“No. Something better than that. I’ve got gas. It’ll offend the other jurors and everyone else in the courtroom. They’ll have to open all the windows or issue gas masks.”

“But there’s one problem. You don’t have gas.”

“But I know how to create it. I’ll eat a lot of peanuts and fruit the morning that I go to court. As soon as they get a whiff of my ‘problem,’ they’ll tell me to go home and stay home.”

“That’s a brilliant idea!” Polly said, as she rolled her eyes. At least it would get him out of the house for one day, she thought.

The Man Who Loved Women

Grady was rich, but he was 78 and on his deathbed. No amount of money—or love—could save him now.

In his youth, Grady had been a major skirt-chaser. No woman was safe from his charm. He used to juggle three or four girlfriends at a time.

He’d often accidentally call them by the wrong names. The first time that happened to a new girlfriend, she would get upset. Instead of lying, Grady would admit that he had another girlfriend—or two. “But,” he would quickly add, “you are my number one. You’ll always be my number one.”

Somehow, this little white lie often worked. Sometimes his various girlfriends would even end up meeting each other and become fast friends.

Any attractive woman was a target for Grady. He would walk right up to her and say, “You’re very attractive. Are you single and unattached?” If she said yes, he’d invite her out for a cup of coffee right then and there. If she said yes, but she didn’t have time just then for coffee, he’d get her phone number and ask for a rain check. If she said no, he’d ask her if she had a twin sister who was single and unattached. This often made the woman smile or laugh. Sometimes she would change her no to a yes.

Grady was a wonderful dancer. He was just average-looking, but he carried himself with confidence and had a ready smile and a pleasant laugh. He was well-read, he knew a thousand jokes, and he had no bad habits. Perhaps most important, he made a woman feel like a woman, according to many of his girlfriends.

Even in his old age, Grady hadn’t slowed down. Tending to his dying needs were Didi and Mimi, a pair of 40-year-old twins that Grady had finally “settled down” with.

Honk if You're in a Hurry

Mark was cursing the driver in front of him because she was creeping along. He was running late for a golf game with his friend Barney. He was on a two-lane road that led to the golf course. The road was straight uphill. It went for six blocks through a busy residential neighborhood. There was a four-way stop sign at the end of each block.

Every time the woman ahead arrived at a stop sign, she looked left and right. Then she looked left and right again. Then she proceeded slowly forward.

Mark was pulling his hair out. Never be in a hurry in LA, he muttered to himself. Mark didn't pass her because there was too much oncoming traffic. At the very last stop sign, she turned right.

At last, no one was in front of him. Mark put the pedal to the metal to make up for lost time. However, as soon as he rounded the first curve, he had to immediately brake for a cement truck crawling up the hill at about 5 mph. Mark couldn't believe it. His tee time was 11:45 and it was 11:39. Mark ignored the solid yellow line and passed the truck. It was 11:40 when he got to the parking lot. He walked quickly to the clubhouse to tell Mel, the assistant pro, that he had arrived.

Mel said, “We’re running about 10 minutes behind, so you’re okay. But Barney just called. He said there was a fatal accident on the freeway. The highway patrol closed his side of the freeway. He said to go on without him; he’s going back home.”

Eat Your Vegetables

The federal government, displaying even less sense than usual, has yielded to the French fry industry. Frozen French fries—sliced, fried in oil, and then packaged—are now approved as “fresh vegetables” by the US Department of Agriculture.

The French fry industry has been petitioning the USDA for years to get this approval. They say that their product is similar to cucumbers that have a wax coating. They argue that they use 100 percent vegetable oil, which is much healthier for consumers than plain wax.

Most consumers, of course, beg to differ. “You must be joking,” said Annie, 50. “How can you consider a product that’s deep-fried in oil to be a fresh vegetable? Even if I steamed broccoli, I could no longer call it fresh broccoli—it’s cooked! I wish I were a lobbyist, so my congressman would help me. Unfortunately, I’m only a tax-paying citizen.”

The USDA defends its decision, saying that potatoes undeniably are vegetables. Although French fries are fried in oil, they are still potatoes. If you let them sit on your countertop for a couple of weeks, a USDA spokesman said, the fries will rot just like all other fresh vegetables.

Consumer advocates say the USDA has totally lost touch with the consumers. “They'd probably declare that eggshells are nutritious if a lobbyist asked them to,” said one advocate.

Victory Dance Leads to Death

A basketball game ended abruptly Saturday afternoon when 18-year-old Damon Miller was fatally shot at a recreation center. The gunman, who called himself Ace, ran south on Oak Street after the shooting and remains at large. Miller was pronounced dead at the scene by the paramedics. He died from two gunshot wounds to his chest. The paramedics did not arrive immediately because they were tied up at a four-car crash a mile away. This was the second such shooting during a basketball game, apparently by the same gunman.

According to witnesses, Miller did a little dance after making a game-winning 3-point basket. When Ace told him to stop celebrating, Miller ignored him. Then Ace pulled a small gun out of his baggy shorts and fired two quick shots. Everyone else backed away. Instead of running immediately, Ace picked up the basketball and made a 3-pointer himself. Then he did a little dance next to the victim’s head and fled.

A police officer said the suspect will be charged with "a lot more than unsportsmanlike conduct" when arrested. Eyewitnesses said Ace is a white male, 5'11", about 200 pounds, with a small scar on his left cheek.

Local activists criticized the police for dragging their feet in their search for the suspect. “You can bet if it was two white men who had been shot by a black man, there’d be a policeman on every basketball court in town till he was caught,” said one activist.

Woman Lies About Winning Lottery

A 39-year-old woman admitted that she had lied. She claimed that she bought the latest winning lottery ticket in Massachusetts, but then lost it. The ticket was worth $18 million after all deductions. Jean Fenn was charged with grand larceny. A conviction could put her in prison for up to seven years.

The real winner of the ticket, Kevin Hayes, 66, presented it a week ago to the liquor store where he had bought it. That store will receive one percent of the prize, or $180,000. The owner of the store, Mark Abrams, 56, was overjoyed. “Last year we had a storm that blew half of our roof off. It cost $25,000 to put a new roof on.”

Hayes said he was reminded to check his numbers when he heard that a woman had lost her winning ticket. He and his wife had been camping in the mountains when the winning number was drawn.

“But I feel sorry for this woman," said Hayes. "She only did this out of desperation. In fact, I'm going to help her out financially after she gets out of prison. It’s a shame that this wealthy country has so many poor people. So, I’m going to donate a lot of this money to different charities. What do I need $18 million for?”

The checks to Hayes and Abrams should arrive within two weeks, according to a lottery spokesman. The spokesman mentioned that lottery players should remember that the odds of winning the lottery are only about one in forty million. Even so, most people think that SOMEONE has to win, and it might as well be them.

The Mysterious Carport Stain

Oh, no! Denzel thought. Where’d THAT come from? He was looking at a big red dry stain that was on the carport where he always parked his car.

There was only one thing to do: check his power steering fluid and his transmission fluid, both of which were red. The power steering fluid was at the proper level, so that left the transmission fluid. A small leak could result in a damaged transmission, which could cost $1,000 to $2,000 to repair or replace. Denzel did not have $1,000 or $2,000.

Denzel was not sure about how to check his transmission fluid level. But he found the instructions in his car manual. They were not complicated.

He ran his engine for about 15 minutes to get it up to normal operating temperature. Next, he shifted the transmission through all the gears, and then let the car idle for three minutes in Park. Then he pulled out the dipstick. The fluid was at the correct level. Denzel breathed a sigh of relief.

As he drove off in his car, he wondered if he would ever find out the cause of that stain. Or would it be one of those mysteries of life, like the mystery of why his last girlfriend had left him.

“Why did you break up with me?” he had asked her on the phone a while ago. “I thought everything was going well between us. Then, wham, out of nowhere, you told me we were through. You needed more space, you said. What does THAT mean?”

“It’s a long story,” she replied.

“Go ahead,” he said. “I’ve got plenty of time.”

“I’ve got to go,” she said.

“Women!” Denzel muttered as the phone went dead.

Fishing Boat Sinks, Everyone Saved

A 70-foot fishing boat, the SharkCatcher, sank 5 miles from shore today in the Pacific at about 4:30 p.m. The boat was returning from a successful one-day trip. There were 17 anglers aboard and 4 crew members. There were also about 100 freshly caught tuna, salmon, and mackerel aboard. Some of them may have also survived the sinking.

Luckily, the SharkCatcher started sinking when it was only a quarter mile from another fishing boat, the TunaTaker, which was also returning from a day trip. The two captains, Moe and Curly, had been talking to each other over the radio while headed back to their landing in Santa Barbara. They were comparing notes: who had caught what, how much, and where.

During their conversation, Moe heard what sounded like an explosion. He told Curly to hold on a minute. Moe’s crew discovered a hole in the hull that was too big for plugs or pumps. Moe told Curly he needed his help. Moe then told all the passengers to don their lifejackets and abandon the boat.

“This is the second boat that I've lost,” said Moe. “The good thing, of course, is that I’ve never lost any paying customers.”

Curly, captain of the rescue boat, said, “We were lucky that it was a clear, calm day. We pulled a lot of people out of the water, but it went very smoothly. I think the Coast Guard will be proud of us.”

Man Fatally Stabbed Outside Nightclub

A middle-aged man was fatally stabbed outside a nightclub late Saturday night. Bob Evans died about 1:30 a.m. after a woman stabbed him in the back outside Lovers Lounge. Police who arrived at the club found Evans lying in the parking lot with a bloody ice pick on the pavement next to him. A sobbing woman was cradling the victim’s head in her lap and stroking his hair.

Police identified the woman as Sara Haynes, 39, an emergency room nurse. They took her into custody and said she would be booked for murder. She was Evans's long-time girlfriend. The lounge's bartender said Haynes started arguing with Evans when she saw him dancing with a young woman.

“I thought there might be trouble when I saw her walk in,” said the bartender. “She was looking all around, with a wild look in her eyes. He was on the floor dancing away with this young blonde. She went straight at them. She pulled the blonde out of his arms and started yelling at him.”

Evans then led Sara outside, apparently to avoid a scene inside the club. A witness who was sitting in his car told police he saw them argue for a couple of minutes. When Evans turned around to walk back inside, Sara pulled the ice pick out of her purse and stabbed Evans several times. He collapsed to the ground. Then she sat down, put his head in her lap, and started crying.

Woman Shot Next to Her Christmas Tree

A woman decorating her Christmas tree Monday was shot in her left arm when a bullet went through her living room window. Police said the incident occurred about 5:00 p.m. A .22 caliber shell casing was found across the street from the victim's home. Police did not find a weapon in the vicinity.

Mrs. Wilma Johnson was treated at a local hospital and allowed to go home. A hospital spokesman said she should recover nicely. She is in her late 50s, divorced, and living with Bob, the older of her two adult sons. Bob wasn’t home at the time of the shooting.

Police will patrol the area more frequently as a result of this shooting. They don't know if the shooting was intentional or accidental. They are asking the public to help if they know anything. They interviewed the neighbors. One neighbor said he heard a gunshot, but in this neighborhood, he said, he was used to hearing gunshots.

The police also questioned Mrs. Johnson’s ex-husband, Joe, who lives three blocks away. Joe said if he was going to shoot at his ex-wife, he’d make sure he shot her in her butt. “That’s a target you could hit from a mile away,” he laughed. Despite such remarks, the police spokesperson said Joe is not a suspect at this time.

Fishing for Girls

Wednesday night, Howard asked Glenn if he wanted to go fishing and girl-watching that weekend at Santa Fe Lake. “We’ll leave Friday morning and return late Sunday night,” he said. Glenn said he had to clean out his garage, so Howard went by himself.

Howard had also planned to lie around the hotel pool, soak up the sun, read a good book, and look at pretty women in their bathing suits. His own apartment didn't have a pool, so whenever he traveled, he always liked to stay at a place with a pool. But when he arrived at the hotel about noon, he saw that there were no pretty girls at the pool. There were no girls at all. There was nobody at the pool, because the pool was empty. It was being repaired all that week. The staff had “forgotten” to tell Howard this little detail.

Howard called Glenn late Friday night.

“How was the fishing?” Glenn asked.

“Didn’t see any, didn’t catch any,” replied Howard.

“Well, did you catch any women?”

“No. And don’t even ask how many beauties I saw at the pool. I didn’t go to any bars. But I did go to a Mongolian all-you-can-eat place and had a good dinner. I think one of the waitresses liked me. She asked me if I wanted extra ketchup.”

“Well, I hope you said yes. Any time a woman asks you if you want extra anything, that’s female code. It means they like you.”

“I said no. There was a whole bottle right in front of me.”

“Well, you blew it. I don’t know when you’re going to learn to pick up on those signals. Next time I’ll go with you and show you all the tricks.”

“If you knew all the tricks, you wouldn’t be divorced three times.”